Dreams, Vampires, and Toilet Plungers

bloody Brad

Dreams fascinate me.  I dream vividly and in color about all manner of things.  I also dream about the characters in my books.  In my dreams, sometimes I’m writing about the characters, sometimes I’m conversing with them, and sometimes they come to me in my sleep and ask me why I did this or that to their character.

In one particular dream, I had to sit and listen to one of Charlie’s suitors explain to me, in detail, why he thought he should have been the one to relieve Charlie of her virginity.  (He presented a good argument, but I held fast to my decision.)

At times my dreams are a mixture of my real life, interspersed with fantasy characters in my head.  This is the type of dream I had last night.  Before I tell you about  the dream, I need to give you a little background information.  So bear with me!

In real life, Ken and I own a home that we have converted into four separate apartments. I wear the hat of property manager for this building, and take care of the mundane things like keeping the apartments rented, drawing up the leases, landscaping, maintenance, and so forth.

Last night I dreamt that I’d rented one of the apartments to a vampire.  The vampire in my dream looked a lot like Brad Pitt.  (See Picture.)

The Dream

 “Psssst!”  The sound came from the shadows surrounding the entrance to the apartment building. 

                I stopped and peered into the darkness.  “Who’s there?”  I called.

                “It’s me, Sebastian.” 

                “Why are you hiding in the shadows?”  I inquired feeling annoyed.  I was on my way to unplug a tenant’s toilet and not in the best of moods.

                “I need your whelp.”

                I considered this.  “My whelp?  I don’t have any whelps.”

                “Not whelp! Whelp!  You know…assistance.”

                “Oh you mean help,” I clarified. I continued to try to ascertain Sebastian’s form in the inky darkness. “Okaaay…I’d be happy to help you, if I can, but I’m kind of confused about the whole hiding in the bushes thing.  It’s cold out here and you’re coming off as being a weirdo.”

                “Actuawwwy, I am a bit of a weirdo.”  Sebastian said from the bushes.

               “I sort of got that.  Are you going to come inside or are we going to have this discussion out here?”

                “You need to come cwoser.”

                I suddenly realized that Sebastian was speaking as though he had a lisp. “Why do you suddenly have a lisp?  You didn’t have a lisp the other day.”

                “It’s a pwobwem I have in c-wertain swituations.”  Sebastian informed me.

                One of the neighbors who lived upstairs approached the entrance to the building.  It was the school teacher and he was giving me a perplexed look.  I assumed he’d probably seen me talking to the bushes.

                “You okay?”  He called, pausing a few feet shy of the steps where I stood.  He seemed hesitant to come near me.  I really couldn’t blame him.  After all, he’d caught me talking to the bushes. 

                “Everything’s fine.  I’m just talking to Sebastian…he’s hiding in the bushes.”

                The school teacher looked at the bushes and stepped closer.  “I don’t see anyone.”

                Sebastian leapt from the bushes, pounced on the school teacher and dragged the startled man back into the bushes with him.  I heard a strangled squeak from the school teacher and then nothing but an odd sucking noise.  I wet my pants a little at that point. 

                Every instinct in my body told me to run, get to my house, and lock the door.  Another part of my psyche was screaming that I should help the school teacher in some way.  Yet another voice was saying he was a goner and to stop wasting precious time and energy even contemplating trying to be a heroine. 

                Before I could decide on a course of action, Sebastian once again emerged from the bushes.  His hair was mussed, with some leaves stuck in it here and there.  A red streak adorned his chin.  He gave me a nod and opened the entrance door for me.

                I glanced back at the bushes.  “What about the school teacher?”  I asked.

                “He said he wanted to take a nap.”  Sebastian told me without a second’s hesitation.

                I raised a skeptical eyebrow.  “He wants to nap in the cold…in the bushes?”

                “Hey, I’m not his mother.  If he wants to take a nap in the cold bushes; who am I to argue?”

                “The school teacher is dead.  Isn’t he?”  I gave Sebastian a little poke in the ribs with the toilet plunger I’d brought with me.

                Sebastian batted the toilet plunger away, and motioned with one hand for me to enter the building, while he held the door with the other.  “Most women would be terrified.   Most women would run while screaming their heads off about now.  Are you like, I don’t know…mentally challenged or something?”

                I walked through the entrance while I answered. “It depends on who you ask.  Actually, I don’t get any of those “I want to kill you vibes” from you.  I’m pretty good at picking up vibes. Plus, you were lisping,” I explained. “It’s hard to be afraid of someone who lisps.”

                Sebastian walked along beside me as we approached his apartment. 

                “I only lisp when my I’m hungry…that’s when my teeth elongate into fangs.  It’s embarrassing.  By the way, a few minutes ago you should have gotten those vibes.  I was trying to lure you closer so I could suck your blood.”

                “Really?”  I asked. 

                 He nodded.

               “Ewe! Yuck!”  I paused for a moment and gave him an appraising stare.  “You know, I wish you wouldn’t munch on your neighbors Sebastian. Now I have to find a new tenant for 2B.  Do you know what the rental market is like these days?”

                Sebastian shrugged.  “If you really wanted me to, I could bring him back, but then he’d be a new vampire, and they are a bit unmanageable at best.”  He looked at me through thick lashes and gave me a crooked smile.  He was almost charming, but the smear of blood across his chin sort of killed the image.

                “I think I’ll pass on the bringing him back thing.  I will, however, have to take the cost of the body  disposal out of your security deposit though. And, if you’re going to continue to live here, you have to promise not to eat me or the neighbors.  I like my tenants.”

                Sebastian sighed heavily…

At this point I surfaced from sleep, vaguely wondering what I was going to do with the school teacher’s body.  Ken had his arm wrapped around me and gave me a squeeze.

I patted his arm, my eyes still closed. “We need to get rid of the body,” I murmured groggily.

I felt Ken stiffen and then relax again.  “Who’d you kill off in your sleep this time?” He asked sleepily.

“Not me…the vampire did it.”

“Of course he did.”  Ken gave me another squeeze, and went back to sleep.

Now it’s your turn.  Have you had any memorable dreams lately?  Tell me about them!

2 thoughts on “Dreams, Vampires, and Toilet Plungers”

  1. sigh, if only I had dreams like that!! oh I love reading your blog, you make me laugh and brighten my day!!!

  2. Angela … yep. I dreamt I was a writer. Not your common old garden variety best seller type for me. No adulation. None of that for me. Stations of the cross type suffering for this boy.

    I was the heroic, misunderstood genius. The one who writes a work ahead of his time. A work that only generations to come would understand.

    So I had to die before I could savor the fruits of my endeavors. God what have I done to deserve this I mused.

    As fast as it takes to light a buring bush an answer came. A booming voice (all Charlton Heston like – strange how it always sounds like you are at the movies).

    Well anyway, Charlton – sorry – the voice told me I can sympathize with you there. But think of the cats.

    The cats I repeated.

    Yes, the cats.

    Ok … I know you are omnipotent but you have to cut me a bit of slack here. What have cats to do with anything?

    Schrodinger he said.

    He of the dead and alive paradox?

    Yep. That’s the one.

    Well if a cat can be dead and alive at the same time, you can be famous and unknow at the same ….

    At which point the host broke through and advised reducing everything to absurdity was taking things to far …

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